For reference, see the post right under this one.
The following conversation is almost the same one, but I added some reference to the surrounding and their behaviour here.
Your advice and suggestions are welcomed as to 1.) whether the adjustment improved or made it worse 2.) anything else about practically anything.
I've already made my mind about the changes, but I'd like to hear your opinion as well.
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- Uhm, you should drink and eat healthy, Hail. – The pattern on the shoulder of Hail’s winter coat, now hung above the shoes, bore a slight resemblance to the shed skin of pumpkins.- I will. The office is closed. What a progress I’ll be making during those entire four days! My fingers are already itching.
- We were worried about you.
The snowflakes were melting on the coat. Beyond the clothes rack, the only light intruding the darkness of a larger room was the flashing of a standby.
- I see, but you should not. I am fine now. I hear the calling.
Darkness stayed. The photos on the wall remained silent.
- You’ve got any plans, like visiting relatives, or friends? Does he even have those?
- Uhm, nothing special. It’s not that you would not understand. It’s that it’s my own quest.
- Well, have a nice time then. – The shoes were arranged neatly on the shoes rack. The smell of shoe polish mingled with something he could not trace quite well. I wish I could get some of those chocolate cakes for Anna.
8 comments:
I like it. I'm not sure I see a lot of differences.
That is one fine opinion, Charles. I too, think that there are not many differences. I added sensory references, that was all. The dialogue remained as it was.
Thanks!
It is much better. It makes the things clearer.
Oh Ropi wow, it does, doesn't it?
Perhaps because we see what the colleague sees, and smell what s/he smells and so on.
I like it.
Richer.
Thank you, Bernita.
I was planning to keep the second version anyway, but now I am more than convinced.
You can switch off the music if you scroll down a bit and you click to the triangle of the player.
If I may, although it's late and you've already made your choice, I would like to comment on this.
For me, the first version was better except for a very slight dfficulty of following who was speaking. You have two POVs in the same scene; you are switching from one head to another by showing their respective thoughts.
The second version is richer with the description of the surrounding details that appeal to various senses. It looks like the POV for this description is Hail's partner in conversation since s/he can see Hail's coat, etc.
Since I don't know how this dialogue fits in the rest of your story, I can't say whether these sensory references are needed or not, or what their purpose is. You are the only one who can decide upon this.
It is intriguing though and I hope that one day I'll get to read it all.
:-)
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