Finally, I've returned to some polishing. I'm not yet finished, thanks for asking - it's the usual 'rolling revision'.Among many other important factors, Bernita mentioned that a good dialogue should be as much interesting as the action scenes and should be able to carry the story further on, just the same.
The dialogue I'm working on is short, is between 2 people (main character and another person) and it is a dialogue, nothing more.
I thought I would be adding something else, to make it go beyond words. But everytime I re-read it I don't see anything that can be or should be added. I think it's because I know it almost by heart. I know that the obvious advice is to leave it as that and return later on...
But you know what?
Here's an excerpt: this is part of the dialogue. The whole conversation is 245 words, and the word count for this little piece is 104.
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- Uhm, you should drink and eat healthy, Hail.
- I will. The office is closed. What a progress I’ll be making during those entire four days! My fingers are already itching.
- We were worried about you.
- I see, but you should not. I am fine now. I hear the calling.
- You’ve got any plans, like visiting relatives, or friends? Does he even have those?
- Uhm, nothing special. It’s not that you would not understand. It’s that it’s my own quest.
- Well, have a nice time then. I wish I could get some of those chocolate cakes for Anna.
- I will. The office is closed. What a progress I’ll be making during those entire four days! My fingers are already itching.
- We were worried about you.
- I see, but you should not. I am fine now. I hear the calling.
- You’ve got any plans, like visiting relatives, or friends? Does he even have those?
- Uhm, nothing special. It’s not that you would not understand. It’s that it’s my own quest.
- Well, have a nice time then. I wish I could get some of those chocolate cakes for Anna.
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Do you think the scene needs indication of physical actions, hints of movements, description of the flat they have just arrived into?
Do you think their inner thoughts should be italicized?
Do you find this conversation boring to some extent?
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Thank you for your suggestions. Shove them into my thick skin.
9 comments:
I've re-written the dialogue and inserted references to the place they are at.
I'm planning to publish the adjusted version to see which one my kind readers like the best.
If I hava any readers left, that is :(
I've been soooooooooo laaaaaaaaaaaazy....
I like this. I think the inner thoughts should definitely be in italics. I like the contrast between their words and their thoughts. You might even play that up because that's the best strength here.
Well done.
I'll second Charles's comments. It's a little hard to make suggestions ont of context, but I think the use of italics works.
P.S. Thanks for the train picture. Here in the States, we have very little electrification of our rail lines. It's something Europe and Japan understood early. And while rail freight and passenger trains are very energy-efficient, they still depend on diesel fuel.
Charles,
This scene was not originally in my mind. It only appeared to me later on that the story could use a scene showing the detachment of the MC.
For me, this parallel-talking was the most convenient way to show it. I'm glad you liked it.
Steve,
I asked about the use of italics b/c recently I have read somewhere that they are out of 'fashion'. But I too, think that they work.
re:trains:
Most major Hungarian railways are electric ones.
This one is a freight tran. The engine is one of the most frequent ones in Hungary.
Don't think a short section of dialogue needs to be amended with guestures unless they provide some vital counterpoint to the words.
Seems to me the internal thoughts do that.
I think acts are needed because it is easier to imagine the situation and we will imagine what you want and not following our logic. On the other hand I am sure they are not talking with poker face all the time unless you copied their character from me. :P
Bernita,
thank you for your kind words. I do plant to show my readers the adjusted version, though.
Ropi,
Do you think that not showing any actions the speakers do during a conversation means that they have a poker-face?
well...I'm not so sure about that.
Re: making the main character look and behave like you:
well, not exactly.
I've been familiar with Hail for a much longer period than with you, you know...
But I might incorporate you into one of the supporting characters of the story if you like...
I can work something about you into a brother/sister to Hail, during the later event in the story.
How about that?
You'll be a positive character.
Well, it is your story I don't interrupt. I was just joking with that. You know sometimes even I do joke.
The more you tell me about yourself the more likely you are to get into the story, Ropi :)))
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