i have started to adjust Halo according to Vesper's notes.
basically, i accept all grammar suggestions; and try to find an alternative wording for every strange or unclear spots.
halo is 13 pages, 32,000+ characters - i go slowly.
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here's one example of the unclear spots.
the original text, now edited between three stars goes like this:
***He kept the uphill march (...) towards his goal. He panted with the late morning heat. His physical score was somehow lower now – he needed food. ***
i bolded the expression Vesper questioned.
in italics, here's what she added:
Maybe ‘condition’ is a better word here, or maybe something like ‘He felt weeker now…’
the thing is, Hail (the main character) is playing a computer game at the moment. i fancy this is a game where the state of the player's physical, mental and spiritual characteristics are displayed in a scale-like fashion. if a player scores low on the physical, it means that he is weak. the reason behind weakness can be either hunger, a previous attack, age (too young or too old), or lack of certain muscle development. if one scores high on the physical it means he is strong.
i wonder if should go like...
/-/He panted with the late morning heat. His score on the physical scale was somehow low – he needed food./-/
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what do you think?
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at the same time i am quite happy to say that on my trip last week i have returned to my beloved copper moon.
more on that subject later on.
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2 comments:
I think the "physical scale" thing is potentially ambiguous. Because it could have various meanings. Physical scale doesn't necessarily mean his "condition." It could relate to physical size, weight, or many other factors, or possibly all of them. It's probably colloquial, but an American reader would seem more likely to understand physical condition than physical scale.
thanks Charles for your opinion.
i think i'd go with *** His score on the 'physical condition' was somehow low – he needed food.***
i changed scale to condition and added two apostrophes to clarify that 'physical condition' is used in a different sense as it is used in everyday life.
(hail is playing the game when this sentence is heard.)
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