Full Moon

small update

No signs of writing. Lack of interest? Lack of inspiration? See the previous post, also.

the state of non-writing

Perhaps I have come to terms with non-writing. With being an un-writer.
That tiny voice inside disagrees, though.
It's clearly disagreement. Resentment.

Well, I do what I can. Live, play with my kids, do ridiculous trips to get bruises and suffer from overexposure to the intolerable heat. But this blog is about writing.

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get this?

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No, I'm not quitting.

The deadline is December.

In fact I wish to finish the short story by November so that I can hand it over to some native English speaker to correct my mistakes.

August, September, October and half of November.

Perhaps I have enough time.

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I read a lot, do a lot - and try not to think about not writing.

time to relax

I have been obsessing over not writing a single line in the past days (is it weeks already?!??). This obsession about having a little (?!) break from being creative and inspired makes me just as much nervous as the break itself.

I keep telling myself I wont be able to finish the story at all, it is empty and you have nothing elso to say. I feel quite bad about this part of myself.

At the same time, my other aspects of life are going quite well.

I'm doing good as a mother, housewife, whatever.

The thing I'm not good at at the moment is writing.

I came to question myself : Why is it so important for me to write? What is that writing and finishing writing a piece holds for me that is otherwise unattainable in my life?

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Don't read further if you do not wish to help or wonder about my situation. Careless and superficial comments are not always welcomed. But if you wish to tell me something in the hope of working the problem out, then please proceed. You have been warned :)

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I always, always wanted to be creative and always, always thought that I was just not. I thought - do I still hold this opinion of myself?

Well, perhaps, in some areas, yes.

So, creativity and being inspired was a 'state of mind' I admired - and I still do. Being talented, standing out somehow. Isn't it what everyone's aspiring to?

I thought my brains are not so bright.

My husband keeps telling me the opposite and he's quite honest you know. No masking the truth, not even white lies. Then there must be something else within me that keeps me believing I'm not brainy enough, not talented at all, not being creative at all - the list is endless.

Writing seems to prove my creativity.

Writing seems to justify my mind, my existence - but maybe I have gone too far with that.

There are many other aspects of my life that I can be good at. I might excel at gardening for example. You know what - when I put all my heart's energy into gardening, I do excel.

I started making our own bread and voila - everyone's got high opinions about that.

Perhaps writing is just another area I would like to stand out and gather those pats on the shoulder.

At the same time I'm far from the person who 'gains applause in practically every job he starts doing' - don't get me wrong....

Writing is an escape, too.

I think I just have to let this block (is it a block at all???) pass and NOT obsess about this present state of my mind.

This clear-headed discussion might help, though.

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These were the bitter words of desparation, my friends.

Fact is, when I am inspired, I write. And whenever I finish a piece (well, nothing's ever completely finished, but let's agree on that there's a finish, a final touch to every literature, when the author thinks it's ready) - I feel great and relaxed. When I'm inspired, I must write what I write.

But when I'm underinspired or for whatever reason don't write, I feel the smallness about me.

I think I'll have to avert my attention in these periods of non-writing toward sthings I CAN still do. I have to be content with what I have at the moment. Today for example, I made a delicious lunch. Isn't that something to be proud of? I will read another volume of pages in the book I'm in at the moment. Isn't that an achievement? I will play Catan with my son in the afternoon and will be having HUGE fun doing so. Isn't that one of life's worthy moments?

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I'm talking instead of writing

yes.

I wrote a letter to my main character.

I doubt that would deemed 'normal' at any cost.

I'd rather be writing about the protagonist, than to.

I fear the theme slipping out of my hands.

a month passed

a month passed since I started this blog.
It appears that one who's watching my other blog has found his/her way here, into the Copper Moon project. That is sort of good. I like to do it alone, this constant monitoring of my (non)progress.
yeah, I'm watching my progress with some irony.
Not THAT MUCH to watch, though.

At least the progress does not really shown in the numbers of typed characters - rather in the way I see myself and the whole process of writing.

Regularity has helped me. That is great.

This blog is dedicated to the project alone and this is also helpful.

I have many, many doubts about writing, about writing this piece in particular, about me being a proper writer in the first place and so on....

And there are times when I think that I could make use of a friendly voice...Some of my blogging friends has surely had some sort of experience with writing....

But this is my writing, my problems, my way of doing things...

So, delurking is welcomed - sort of.

getting lost

I fear getting lost.

motivation

There are times when I just can't think of writing a single line. I'd like to write and I do imagine myself writing and I do enjoy writing, but I don't seem to have the inspiration. I guess this must be something similar with every writer - those of the lesser kind, that is.

But this is not my main topic.

It is motivation.

The story I'm writing about is a bit strange. Or is it an ordinary story with strange characters?

Nevermind.

The reason behind their behaviour(s) and feeling(s) is the motivation, right?

And that's where I'm troubled now: am I to give, depict and detail the motivation or rather, am I to leave it mysterious as it is a bit to me?

I have to make things clear in my head.

What are MY motives?

Am I to let the protagonist act on his/her free will OR am I to analyse him/her?

Who's the main character? Is it him/her or me?

Am I more important and wise? Or am I just peeping into someone else's life?

Am I to give life to him/her - or am I only allowed to enter his/her life as a visitor?

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and finally: am I to define myself as a writer?

that is: am I to consider myself as one and if the answer is yes, am I to declare and attach a style of writing to me? will that confine me or liberate me? why all these nonsense creep into my mind? why am I so unsure of myself?

of being able to finish it off?

where is my confidence?

what am I to do once I finished with the 'job' ?

will writing all the way through worth all the trouble I feel?

does anyone around feel like this?

piece by piece

I wrote some pieces again today. Hurray.
I go by writing pieces that will be hold up for the complete story at the end.

Some are more detailed, some are not, some are only hints.

Sometimes my mind begins wandering off - it's like I'm watching a movie that I am only partly in control of.