I have been obsessing over not writing a single line in the past days (is it weeks already?!??). This obsession about having a little (?!) break from being creative and inspired makes me just as much nervous as the break itself.
I keep telling myself I wont be able to finish the story at all, it is empty and you have nothing elso to say. I feel quite bad about this part of myself.
At the same time, my other aspects of life are going quite well.
I'm doing good as a mother, housewife, whatever.
The thing I'm not good at at the moment is writing.
I came to question myself : Why is it so important for me to write? What is that writing and finishing writing a piece holds for me that is otherwise unattainable in my life?
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Don't read further if you do not wish to help or wonder about my situation. Careless and superficial comments are not always welcomed. But if you wish to tell me something in the hope of working the problem out, then please proceed. You have been warned :)
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I always, always wanted to be creative and always, always thought that I was just not. I thought - do I still hold this opinion of myself?
Well, perhaps, in some areas, yes.
So, creativity and being inspired was a 'state of mind' I admired - and I still do. Being talented, standing out somehow. Isn't it what everyone's aspiring to?
I thought my brains are not so bright.
My husband keeps telling me the opposite and he's quite honest you know. No masking the truth, not even white lies. Then there must be something else within me that keeps me believing I'm not brainy enough, not talented at all, not being creative at all - the list is endless.
Writing seems to prove my creativity.
Writing seems to justify my mind, my existence - but maybe I have gone too far with that.
There are many other aspects of my life that I can be good at. I might excel at gardening for example. You know what - when I put all my heart's energy into gardening, I do excel.
I started making our own bread and voila - everyone's got high opinions about that.
Perhaps writing is just another area I would like to stand out and gather those pats on the shoulder.
At the same time I'm far from the person who 'gains applause in practically every job he starts doing' - don't get me wrong....
Writing is an escape, too.
I think I just have to let this block (is it a block at all???) pass and NOT obsess about this present state of my mind.
This clear-headed discussion might help, though.
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These were the bitter words of desparation, my friends.
Fact is, when I am inspired, I write. And whenever I finish a piece (well, nothing's ever completely finished, but let's agree on that there's a finish, a final touch to every literature, when the author thinks it's ready) - I feel great and relaxed. When I'm inspired, I must write what I write.
But when I'm underinspired or for whatever reason don't write, I feel the smallness about me.
I think I'll have to avert my attention in these periods of non-writing toward sthings I CAN still do. I have to be content with what I have at the moment. Today for example, I made a delicious lunch. Isn't that something to be proud of? I will read another volume of pages in the book I'm in at the moment. Isn't that an achievement? I will play Catan with my son in the afternoon and will be having HUGE fun doing so. Isn't that one of life's worthy moments?
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